Let my life be a testament to you, my God. Let my face and my body and my words declare my dependence on you. May you lift me above, beyond these feelings... just for a time. Then ,with My Love beside me, help me to allow these feelings to take over, dwelling, living within them until the felt sharpness of their jabs begin to fade, and only trust in you remains.

Screw-ups

Is there anything more frustrating that listening to things coming out of your mouth, and not having the ability to either reel them back in or stop yourself from saying even more to make it worse! I found myself saying something that implied something totally different than what I intended. And I started to think that shutting up would be better than trying to explain.

I wanted to correct a teaching that spoke the "maleness" of God while not speaking of the 'femaleness' of God.

I wanted to remind them how both male AND female are made in the image of God. I wanted to say how seeing your husband as being made in the image of God or seeing your wife as being made in the image of God changes how we should relate to each other in the intimacy of marriage.

Seeing my husband as God's creation, and seeing his best qualities as portraying a little of the goodness of God, changes how I view him, how I interact with him, how I treat him in everything from a disagreement to making decisions, to our interactions in the intimacy of the bedroom.

Thus, seeing one's wife as being made in the image of God, as portraying, in her best qualities, the goodness of God, his nurture, his wisdom, his motherly love, changes the way he treats her, respects her, interacts with her inside and outside the marital bedchamber.

Stating, or even implying by omission, that the image of God rests more heavily in one sex than the other is a disservice to both men and women. It devalues one over the other, and creates a brokenness in relationship that can not be easily overcome.. Neither is it biblically correct.

But alas, my comments came out sounding like I was preaching the equality of the sexes... implying the right to leadership, the neutralness of marital roles, etc. As soon as I said the word "equality" I knew that I wasn't going to be able to reverse the images that were forming in thier heads... that I couldn't go back to the moment before that word was spoken. It was not what I intended to say, nor what I meant to imply (no matter what I personally believe). It was specifically the respect of one's spouse, whether male nor female, grounded in respect for God, that I wanted to address.

Ah.... mispoken words and unguarded eyes... sighs that are too loud and shoulders that slump. Despite our best intentions to keep our thoughts and feelings under guard, we betray ourselves at every turn.

(sigh)

Back to goodness...

My favorite book, Unless by Carol Sheilds, talks about "goodness". Wondering what it is, what makes a person good, if anyone truly can be good. Throughout the book a mother is trying to figure out why her daughter left school, broke up with her boyfriend, and began to live in a shelter in downtown Toronto begging for pennies on the street corner at Bathurst and Bloor. While I won't give away the conclusion, this young woman was herself struggling with that question, wondering if there was any goodness left in the world, and ironically, it was a traumatic event, in which she played the heroine which proved that she, herself, possessed a modicum of that elusive quality.

Do I have any true motive? Any pure motive for goodness? Most of what I do is driven by a need to be valued, by a need to matter, to be loved. While healing through a program called Freedom Session has lifted the burden of much of these needs off of my shoulders, still I fight the demon of people-pleasing, of doing anything I can not to be rejected, not to be thought ill of, the demon of fighting against perceived-failure.

Let me rest in the goodness of you, God. Let me rest in the knowledge that your goodness allows you to love me even when I screw up, even when I'm not good enough, even when I fail... and most of all when I am not truthful, hiding my genuine being from others, because of my fear of perceived-failure.

Why is that young woman at Bathurst and Bloor? A failure to recognize that the only true goodness belongs to God... and that only a deep connection to him will allow us to fully let goodness dwell within our hearts.

Experimenting.

I think I might now actually be ready to start blogging. Hard to tell, we'll just see how it goes.

How does one try to fit in all that we need to do, should do, are supposed to do in this life?
How can I work at two careers, love my husband, look after my mother, improve my health, exercise three times a week, keep my house clean and organized, contribute to the health of my community, have regular times of rest and relaxation, and maintain a vital, growing relationship with God?

How is this even possible?

Right now I don't even know if there is any way that this list can even be possible. Because really, this list, once the day gets underway, doubles, even triples.... Cars need to be repaired, groceries bought, gifts shopped for, Candlelight and Tupperware parties attended, bills paid, licenses renewed... need I go on?

Sometimes I think that the only reason that I am even standing up, is that my husband helps to pull a little of this weight. (Very, very little of the actual list... but his love certainly sustains my being... ok, that sounded pretty sticky, but it's undeniable.)

Seriously, what is the ideal? What is my ideal life? Can I really overcome those feelings of exhaustion and defeat after a long, long day in order to clean the house, go for a power walk, e-mail friends, moisturize my face, pay some bills, call my mom, read a few chapters in my Bible, and make love to my husband?

To quote a favorite movie,

"I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this question out into the void. Goodnight dear void."